Off the Deep End

Amidst the confusion I find an abyss...

2006-06-07T22:53:00.000-07:00

I am so confused... I don't know what to believe anymore... My heart is still bleeding. If loving someone is so painful... I still wonder how people go on living as if the pain is muted inside them. Why is it that when you love someone... you can't expect them to love you as you love them? I have another answer to search for amidst the crowds of this life's road...

I am blind...
the night has come
and smothered my day...
How can I live without the sun?
I stumble in the dark...
And realize...
that I am falling again.
And this time...
no one will catch me.

It's been a long time...

2006-06-07T02:19:00.000-07:00

I've been hurt... somehow. My heart is broken and I have nothing to hold on to except the broken pieces. It bites into my palm and it reminds me constantly that I still have a heart beating inside of me. Is love really like this? Is love for me? Should I still believe that there is still someone out there for me who will not care where I came from or what I have done in my past? How could I stop my heart from bleeding and my eyes cease from crying? I am afraid to love... I am afraid to trust. I am afraid to hurt again. I am afraid to be alone...

The sun rises and sets...

another day has passed me by.

My wings have been torn...

I cannot find the will to return to the sky...

My heart cries out

with the voice of silence.

Is there still a heaven

waiting for me?

I close my eyes and tremble.

I have no one...

The winter in my soul

turns more tempestuous...

and my heart is frozen.

Became so damn addicted I dind't even see it coming!

2005-10-16T17:00:00.000-07:00

Well... I never thought I'd see the day when i finally became addicted to an online game that guzzles all my cash like its favorite beer. Oh well... at least it's not like I'm doing drugs. Anyway, it's been a long time since I typed something in and i'm deeply ashamed of myself for not giving my blog a minute's thought. So... maybe now, I can once again exercise my poetic side. I met a lot of different people in the game hiding behind small and cute characters. It was unnerving to think that something... or someone that cute can be so heartless when it comes to dealing with others. I swear I'm never going to make my character that cruel... It's hust a game so what the heck gives? I mean it's not like it's a life and death situation where you really have to level up or die. So this poem is for them.

I sat under the shade...

waiting for someone to come along...

and notice me...

and take me on an adventure.

Waiting finally bore sweet fruit.

And then I had to die.

For him who took me

under his wing.

Safety?

Perhaps.

And I realized

under that sweet face...

lay a monster in wait

for its guiless prey.

I'm sorry...

and then I left...

and the day ended into

a scarlet-mooned night.

Feelin' poetic... sorta...

2005-09-08T17:57:00.000-07:00

Just what it said in the title. I don't have much to write about since I just exercised my mind on making a grueling story about good and evil in a message board. So I don't want to write any long stuff. i'm just being addicted to my favorite fallen angel now. Lucifer. So I'll just make a poem for him now... I do hope that no one takes me for a Satanist or something...

The Fire of the Heavens rises
the Sun brings forth a new day...
The birth of the Fallen Star
and the blackened wings
of a crippled celestial child...
And the sadness ripples forth
from the hearts of angels...
music to one's ears.
But the Hands of Time
cannot return
the Fallen One
on his pedestal.
And the Sorrow pours forth.
Lucifer sings...
an endless song of Lamentation.

Aimless thoughts...

2005-09-06T20:08:00.000-07:00

I am currently high on endorphins and phenylalamine. If anyones got a problem with that, I'll just give them a dose so they'll be happy like me!!! ^_^ I just registered on a message board just for writers and I'm amazed at the skill in which they play with words. Simply amazing. I am... so happy, I want to eat more chocolate, not think about all my problems, and be so nuts for a whole week 'til everyone gives up trying to get me to converse sensibly with them. Hahahahahaha!!! Oh, happy me!!! *sings and dances around with a broomstick and rolls on the floor* Wanna be happy, wanna be genki wanna be just so damn nuts to make someone think I've lost it and just get the heck outta my mind so everyone else thinks I'm not human. (Wait... I'm not. WAHEHEHEHE!!!) Come and be happy with me. (Oh yeah, for those of you who think I'm on drugs, you're mistaken 'cuz I'm high on Hershey's Dark Chocolate.)

Come take me away
to the fields to play...
The butterflies frolic
and dance in my mind...
Come take me away
to the fevered land
of Spring.

Just one more cup of coffee...

2005-09-05T16:55:00.000-07:00

I have had a hard time going to sleep lately. Dunno why, but my bological clock seems to have gone berserk on me. I think I've become nocturnal once again. I can stay up until almost four in the morning and not even feel sleepy. Is it because of all the caffeine in my bloodstream? Wait... that would be impossible 'cuz I've never drunk coffee since ... uhh... two weeks ago. Oh well... at least there's someone I could talk to at those hours. I've acquired a kid brother from the artist's den. ^_^ Yes, you've read it right! I have a new kid brother, and I'm having so much fun!!! Yey!!!

Sunny day came
and I held your hand
as we ran across
the sprinkled lawn
and gathered the poppies
and wild marigolds.
Sunny day ended
and we smiled
as we painted the stars
across the midnight sky
twinkling, blinking, watching
as we sleep.

The true black...

2005-08-30T16:16:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, I lie awake, staring at the ceiling in the heavy darkness of my room. Afraid. Quite. Somehow, I'm still trying to grasp the meaning of the darkness. Not just the literal aspect, but the hidden truths... Am I making sense? I feel as if the fingers of the lurking shadows are creeping towards me, seeping into my very core, and reading my thoughts and everything I have established about myself and making it one with themselves. Am I one with the darkness now? Have I succumbed to its beauty and pain? Maybe I can smile about it now... Even if I have succumbed, doesn't mean I have to endure the pain that darkness brings. I can only see its beauty... and love the dark. I am no longer afraid. Perhaps... as the days passed... I understood it... and made it part of me.

How lovely thy song sweetly wafting
in my slumbering ear I hear'st...
Softly...
Gently...
Thou takest me
into the realm of the night's revelry.

An Angel in our midst...

2005-08-19T15:38:00.000-07:00

My story is about an Angel of Death who wished to become mortal, just so he can understand what it's like to feel all the emotions we do. He got his wish with a wierd twist.His wish took a human form... it's like your subconscious just became a living, breathing mass of evil flesh who was his exact opposite. This guy wanted to destroy and kill and most of the emotions he has are so violent, it has an aftertaste. Now the guy who wished for it to happen, but just didn't expect it to be this dangerous, asked the most sinister wish-granter, Lucifer, to take everything back. But Lucifer was naughty, and kept on playing with this angel's mind. I wonder what will happen next. Will he finally get is wish undone? Or will Lucifer make him suffer a little more than he should?

Come to my arms, Death...
and take from me my breath...
It's just like you have told me, my beloved...
"Life's not roses in your bed."

Gah! My life is a mess!!!

2005-08-18T19:35:00.000-07:00

I don't know what to write in here... I am so-ooo damn bored with my life, I just keep on ranting nonsense in here... anyway, I'm currently working on an independent comic entitled "Mal'akh's Tale." It's a gothic story that's not even scary. It's not light-colored since everyone else is wearing black there. Hope someone likes to buy it when I finally unleash it to the public.

My heart is filled with darkness...

Call me into your embrace.

The wind is blowing in my mind

help me to get away...

Sleepover in the cow's barn...

2005-08-11T15:12:00.000-07:00

Were having a sleepover tomorrow night. I wonder what I should bring... My Cow asked everyone else to sleep over with us. (Note: Cow is not a real cow. It's just that we call each other some sort of animal.) Anyway, it's not the first time I slept over, so I guess, I'll bring the stuff I usually take with me... I wonder how many of us are gonna go...

The house is full, my dear...
No place for you but the barn...
But if you close your eyes and think
of good things and dreams...
the haystack will be as soft as eiderdown
'neath your head...

Say sorry with all your soul...

2005-08-09T16:07:00.000-07:00

I went home last night to a barrage of apologies. One was mellowed and one still didn't understand the true meaning of the word sorry. Still, I'm a patient little alien and I tend to give second chances to people. It's not exactly a first offense for one, but like I said, I am a patient alien. Though I know that greater apology is due, when I have eaten the kast bit of the bitter bread, I will never again be communicating with that person. I can still tolerate it, so I'll still be hanging around on Earth to see what happens next. Anticipatory, but then, necessary. Maybe we should let go of our pasts and all our hang-ups and just say sorry with all our souls... I know it's difficult, but when the person you offended sees the sincerity in your eyes, even though forgiveness will take a long time to be solid, it will be worth the wait. The one who shall forgive the other will learn how to truly smile again.

Forgiveness is a fragile thing...
So give all your soul
in a sincere apology
and watch forgiveness bloom...
Sorry can cushion your fall
with an equally pained soul.

The meaning of sweetness...

2005-08-08T19:43:00.000-07:00

How many times have I actually eaten chocolate and experienced excruciating toothaches? I cannot count the times... anyway, I've just watched Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. It's the best movie I've watched so far. And I was eating some chocolate and milk-filled marshmallows just so I won't feel so left out by the characters in the movie. I kinda sympathize with Mr. Willie Wonka. Anyway, I had so much fun today, but I still wish I could go to his factory and eat some of the grass. (Mmm... yummy!!!) Reminds me of my headquarters. I've got to trim the lawn. I do mean, my lawn badly needs a makeover. It's a total mess. Well, I do like living in the wild, but this is absolutely ridiculous! Ciao for now. Still gotta finish my mini chocolate bars.

Sweet, my heart beats
like a fluttering feather down
into a river of heavenly milk...
in a pattern of the universe...

One bored alien plus a wide floor equals...

2005-08-04T15:51:00.000-07:00

I'm rolling on the floor... completely bored... I wanna do something... eat... dance... go to the arcade and play til I drop. I'm bored, bored, bored... I'm so bored... I'm rolling on the floor... completely bored... and unless you do something to make me stop ranting about boredom, I'll keep repeating myself until something else comes to mind. Hey! I can go watch something... Ah, wait... I just did that... I think I'll just shut my mind down for a while. This blog is inconsistent due to the fact that it's not my pc I'm using. I don't have one. I don't have a built in computer in me even though I am an alien. Although sometimes I wish I did... Well, see ya fortnight, whoever is reading this blog and wasting their time on reading absolute nonsense.

Ye gods and goblins!

Why dost thou give me no rest?

The silence of the mind
that I crave...
is but a trivial thing
to be blessed with...

My cofee is getting cold, and I haven't gotten any work done!

2005-07-28T16:30:00.000-07:00

This sucks. I've been trying for hours to clean up my artwork in Adobe, but I had to stop. The strain on my hands is killing me. Anyway, I'm really tired, and I'm still going to have to go to school, but I also lack sleep. I'm on my way to get into a coma. I don't think I still wanna go to class today.

Sleep, I call upon thee...
The sancuary of my sanity...
Though closeth my eyes
and gratefully drift
into sweetness...

(Sniff)... Dang... I'm out of Kleenex!

2005-07-27T00:35:00.000-07:00

I'm out of Kleenex and I don't know what to do... I know! (The alien has some sudden flicker of comprehension.) I'm going to go buy some!!! *sigh* But... I'm too lazy to. This is the last Piece of Kleenex that I'm holding right now, and... (Blows nose) there it goes. Oh, well... at least I blew good and hard. Argh!!! My stupid nose is beginning to have fits again!!! I hate this weather! Seriously, can't we have good weather for once this week? If it's not too hot, it rains as if the Old Testament's covenant has been broken!!! I don't want to exaggerate right now, but I feel so bad, and I'm out of Kleenex!!! What could be worse than this?

Well, my prince...

If the weather is too cold

then I shall share my cloak with thee...

How unfortunate of me

that I have no cloak

to share with thee!

Full to bursting point!

2005-07-26T14:39:00.000-07:00

I just finished eating lunch. (Burp! Oops... Excuse me...) I can't take anymore, cuz I'm full to bursting point with chicken pot pie and rice. I wonder what I'll be having for dinner... I have classes later and I can't wait to learn more about Flash! It'll land me a job... I hope. Anyway, I just got a little heavier after I ate all that food... I wanna go to sleep... I'm sleepy... zzzzzzzzzzz (See ya later, Earth inhabitants! I shall be inert for a while. Thank you...)

Ah, Dream...
take me away
to thy realm of fantasy...
Let me bask
in the sweetness
of thine arms...

Hai... hai... The Earth is such a big planet... (sniff)

2005-07-26T13:04:00.000-07:00

Here I am again and I have to begin taking nonsense now. I just took a tour of the Earth and found that it is such a big place for an alien feline like me. I don't care if you think that I think the way a child thinks, but I find this planet big that's all. I keep wondering why they want others out of the world, when no one has discovered warp flying to Andromeda Galaxy yet. I mean, do they really have to hate each other that much? Even if they do, there are still some uninhabited places for them to run to... so why do they want to throw someone off when they could all still fit in here? They can still make a condominium tower taller than the world's tallest building, y'know... Why doesn't everyone just get along and hang like cats on a wall? I have fun that way. Although I'm still rather high on coffee-flavored sugar and candy-coated sweet cream cakes... You should try those... It's so addicting the only drawback is you'll have thighs as large as hams by next week. I'm snacking on Solmux and pushing Vicks Inhalers in both nostrils, because even if Earth is such a big, wonderful, beautiful amusement park for aliens like me, the weather here sucks!

I woke up again this morning
with a splitting headache
and an aspirin on my night table
and found out
that I haven't slept at all again.
Sucks to be me.

Ahh, Coffee, my Love.

2005-07-22T18:35:00.000-07:00

Tonight, we shall be together again, my beloved Blossom cofee mug. I shall drink my overly sweet coffee in you again. I shall be staying up so late I would have no time to wonder when my next birthday would be held. If you think this is absolutely nonsensical, you haven't read what I wrote while I was high on sugar and caffeine. (Mental note: I shall have to try my boyfriend's coffee-flavored sugar drink! Rumor has it. it's guaranteed to wake every neutron I have in my brain cells to last me a month.) I shall be awake all night... ahh, wait... I'm beginning to be reiterant.

I woke up today with a start
forgot who I was again....
Then all of a sudden
I realized...
S**t man, I haven't slept at all!!!

Today is the day of cakes and candies!

2005-07-22T17:20:00.000-07:00

Greetings, fellow earthlings and non-earthlings. I am the insane feline, Zweischatten. A writer and artist. Frustrated, yes; but I am a writer and artist, nevertheless. Leaning more on the darker side of everything, I would probably advice myself to learn to eat candies and cake more, so that if someone gets killed in any of my stories, I can make light of it in the next episode. I would, if i could, but i don't think it's appropriate for the kind of story that I'm currently working on. I just finished one called Monarch's Wood and it's very disturbing, I would have to rate it R-18. But what the hell, I'm giving it as a gift to a sixteen-year-old anyway, so it doesn't matter. Sometimes, I think it's pretty useless rating things like that, cuz everybody gets to read it, anyway. But then, that would only happen if it's already been printed out. It's rotting inside a diskette, and no ones been paying attention to it, except me, of course. Enough of this! Anyway, I'd better go get me some candies and cakes for dinner. I weigh 130lbs. and I'm still a relentless hungry little feline alien. Ciao, I'm just gonna raise my sugar a little. ^_^